We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
It’s all fun and games, until someone calls the cops. Then it’s a new game; hide and seek.
If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you’re a tool.
We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.
I’m gonna go take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it.
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office.
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
If she were a president, she’d be Baberham Lincoln.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
What do you call the best butter on the farm?
What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.
What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What is a tree's favorite drink?
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
What kind of ties can't you wear?
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.
What's green and loud?
What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.
Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.
Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
What bird can lift the most?
What bone will a dog never eat?
What can you hold without ever touching it?
What clothes does a house wear?
What country makes you shiver?
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!
What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.
What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.
What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.
What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!